I've mentioned multiple times before that I grew up in Oak Park, that it's really the only home I've known aside from campus housing. But I sometimes feel like a city girl at heart. I have always felt like I'm in the right place when I'm in the city, but sometimes it seems like it just won't work. I feel like I'm in between: I don't exactly fit in with my suburbanite friends because I'm more city than them; I stand out so much from my city friends because I was raised in the suburbs. It's been that way for as long as I can remember, but it really started to show when I started high school.
Going to a private school in the city, I had to chance to meet people from all kinds of neighborhoods. As is nature for me wherever I go, I drifted towards the "Black group" only because that's who I usually get along with best. I spent the majority of my time with kids from the South side, West side, and even some from the North side. I was speaking thier dialect and "acting black," which I always denied because I was always just being myself. Any friends that I still had in Oak Park felt that I was "acting ghetto," and that started many arguments, causing me to grow farther apart from them--they were just too naïve and sheltered for me.
So the only friends I spent time with were the friends I had made at high school. It didn't really bother me much because I got along with them great. I was drawn to that group of people because that's who I have stuff in common with. But that doesn't mean I didn't run into my fair share of debates and issues. Being a white girl who has always hung around Blacks, Mexicans, and Puerto Ricans, I have had the chance to see things in a different light and encounter all different types of ignorance, in terms of being oblivious to certain things.
Too many times I have had people come after me for me supposedly thinking I'm better than them. Quite honestly, though, I never understood that because if I really did think I was better than someone, I wouldn't be spending my time with them. It just gets me how quickly people are to judge me, sometimes not even allowing a conversation before jumping to these conclusions. I have definitely had to hold my own on more than one occasion because someone stepped to me incorrectly. Since it has happened numerous times, I've learned to hold my own in such situations; I don't back down. I have been threatened by some people, but they never follow through, leading me to believe that they expected me to back down instantly as the "scared white girl" but were surprised when I didn't. And in all honesty, the people who do jump to those conclusions, I do think I'm better than them, but not because of their race. If they're going to jump to conclusions like that without even trying to get to know me, then that just shows how narrow minded and prejudice they are.
I have also seen my fair share of reverse racism. There have been instances where people will just automatically decide they don't like me, and I honestly feel that it's because I'm white. I'm not trying to make myself a scapegoat--I wouldn't be crying wolf if I didn't see one--but when I'm around people, I observe their behavior. And I have seen people push me off to the side while just paving the way for others who are the same race as them. It really helps me put things in perspective because I put myself in a lot of situations that a lot of white people don't usually encounter.
I guess what made me think about this is the article, "Back to the Fortress of Brooklyn and the Millions of Destroyed Men Who Are My Brothers," on page 30 of our book. I could feel for the boy discussed in the article (the main character of the book he's reviewing) because often times, that is me. I become the minority because I am often the only white girl at many functions. It doesn't bother me, but it seems to bother other people, White, Black, Mexican, and Puerto Rican alike. I have learned to turn a blind eye to people's color, and it's too bad that others cannot.
I'll be honest, I have adapted a hardness from being in the situations I have been in. Having to stand up for myself on so many different occasions has given me a tough attitude that my own family doesn't really care for. And I feel like the city, in some part, has contributed to that. But I'm not complaining--I love the edge the city has given me. Of course, deep down, I am that suburban girl and I have my moments of naivete, but that's only expected of someone who spent her first 13 years in a suburb of Chicago.
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